At the time.
Since the events occurred (Tiger’s awesome Thanksgiving day “accident” and Big Ben’s second alleged sexual assault), a lot has come out that has changed my mind. I now am certain that both guys are absolute shit and while a lot of the criticism pointed at them is dumb (Tiger doesn’t owe anyone an apology besides his family and Ben can go to any bar he wants whenever he wants — why are these points so hard to understand?), it turns out that these two deserve to have their unsavory genitals dragged through broken glass while on fire. I’m being completely serious. What originally seemed like personal crimes requiring localized retribution have become symbols for the failure of celebrities to control themselves within an age of instant information.
First off, I’m a firm believer that what celebrities do in their private life is not my business. The fact that our media is so invasive that I can read Tiger’s text messages (which I have actually turned into a very fun drinking game) is wrong. That isn’t journalism, it’s some Stasi shit.
That being said, since it’s out in the public, I’m going to judge accordingly. Why? Well, because I’m a critical dick.
The Tiger File (aka Sexting For Dummies)
The tears of unfathomable sorrow
Of the two, Tiger’s crime was (and still is) the lesser of the two. On paper, Tiger banged anywhere from 15 to 10,000 whorish women (and I assume at least 2 guys in various devil’s threeways) while married to a supermodel. Stupid. Vacuous. Indulgent. All of the above.
Cause for national concern? No. Anyone having affairs is subject to the judgment of their family. That’s it. He didn’t break any laws (unless sodomy is still illegal somewhere or sheep were involved), so the public and the press have no voice on the matter. Tiger owes us nothing. We pay him to play golf. We provide his sponsors with the money for his commercials and gear. We control his cash flow, so getting our panties in a bunch was stupid. A truly organized, upset populace would just stop buying Nike until they dumped Tiger. That’s how shit gets done. The consumer has to force the supplier to make moral judgments. Our prattling means nothing.
So why am I writing this? Because someone needs to call Tiger out for his intolerable arrogance in the matter of his affairs. The way he handled himself was a far bigger sin than his penetrative actions. I am referring specifically to his graphic text messages (of which we have proof with one girl and I’m going to go out on a limb and say these were not isolated incidents).
A great role model
The following gems were text messaged to porn star Joslyn James (Tiger Slut #6) and are not taken out of context:
- Tiger:Sent: 10:27 AM 08/20/2009:
I hope not. So you have been with others huh since - Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you - Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat - Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore - Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own - Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise - Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck
He sent hundreds of other texts to her, but these are really the cream of the crop. Initial reaction: so Tiger has a potty mouth, not a big deal, right? Wrong.
As a celebrity, Tiger has to know that his text messages carry value. If these text messages get out, people like me are going to plaster them all over the internet. Yes, this must be embarrassing for Tiger, but look at the chain of events for the following generation. Tiger is very ashamed of this. His wife is also very ashamed of this.
But how about when his kids read this. What message does that send? Immediately, it sends two messages: A. I’m Tiger Woods and I don’t give a rotten fuck about my family. B. I don’t care what embarrassment I cause my family in the future because I have enough money to buy God. If you’re twelve years old and you stumble upon your dad saying that, where do you go from there? How awful must that therapy session be?
Furthermore, Tiger glorifies a controlling and misogynistic attitude through his texting. Him saying he wants some dark chocolate-laced sex is not my big issue. What I find to be callously low is that Tiger has a wife and kids and yet he’s concerned that a porn star (someone who constitutes less than 10% of his whorish entourage of mistresses and HAS SEX REGULARLY BECAUSE IT IS THEIR JOB) has been with other people since their last tryst?
(Speechless).
Look, celebrities know that their every move can be called “news” these days. 24-hour news cycles never have enough to report to fill the void of their own bullshit prattling, so anything is cleared for broadcast. Within such a world, you can’t afford to sext if you’re a celebrity and the recipient is not your spouse. As we saw with Vanessa Hudgens’ nude photos, sending them to your boyfriend isn’t a good idea either. But I’ll bet you a million dollars that Matthew Broderick never leaks SJP’s sexts onto the web.
Easy ruling: it doesn’t matter if your phone is on lockdown mode and you hide it in the bottom of the ocean, you still sent messages to another phone that isn’t yours. That phone better be someone you trust more than anything.
The Big Ben File (aka What He Did With Little Ben)
Such a shirt says wonders
Big Ben’s second sexual assault is a much bigger deal for several reasons. First, it marked the second time he was being accused of rape. Granted, neither resulted in a criminal charge, but as was so tactfully noted by the Georgie DA, “We prosecute crimes, not sins.”
BUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
Second, the situation surrounding the allegation is so completely seedy, that it casts doubt onto him not professionally, but as a human being. If you are a celebrity (especially a professional athlete in the NFL — a sport with zero tolerance for anything remotely illicit) your cash flow is dependent on your marketability. If people can only see you as a drunken leech, your jerseys aren’t going to sell. More disturbing though, every jersey that has been sold — that perhaps young kids in Pittsburgh are wearing — casts a heavy and negative shadow over the owner. Supporting you now is like supporting Roman Polanski in the 1980s. You not only damage your goods, but you taint those who support you as an athlete, as they come across to many as a jaded, indiscriminate fuck who will stand by any asshole who can throw a football well.
So, already, fuck you Ben. But we trudge on.
Always classy
Originally accused, but with a lot of doubt cast on the accuser, Ben smight have initially been a tragic figure — someone who caught two shady deals. However, as the dust settled on this second accusation, it became apparent that Ben’s misdeeds were not of the typical, drunken type. He wasn’t that guy who slept with a girl who had a little too much to drink and regretted it, he was that guy who took advantage. That is a huge difference, one that is black and white to everyone present.
The details of Ben’s encounter with the young woman are somewhat unnerving. And by “somewhat unnerving” I mean “totally fucking twisted.” The following highlights were provided from the police report by deadspin.com:
- The encounter lasted about ten minutes, beginning from when Roethlisberger entered the back area “with his penis already out of his pants.” The alleged victim repeatedly told him she didn’t want to have sex, but he kept reassuring her, as they had unprotected sex.
- His bodyguards “dragged” the victim to the back, and he followed two minutes later. When her friends approached the bar manager to unlock the bathroom door, he told them “Ben’s an NFL quarterback, he won’t do anything to ruin his reputation.”
- The alleged victim was wearing a nametag labeled “DTF” When asked, she said it stood for “down to fuck.” Roethlisberger replied, “I’m not down to fuck, but I like to fuck girls.”
- One of the girls in the group left the bar angrily after Roethlisberger purchased a round of drinks, saying “all my bitches, take some shots.”
Ok, the last one is funny. The other ones run the gamut from misogynistic to highly illegal. From these tidbits, it doesn’t matter if the girl was a raging tramp (which it sounds like she was) — nobody deserves or wants to be taken advantage of. Her skankiness is not an excuse for Ben’s forceful ways. Now, the laws for sexual assault usually say that an intoxicated person cannot give consent, so any drunken sex is grounds for sexual assault. If Ben banged a drunk girl, he legally assaulted her. That’s all I’m gonna say on the matter. The DA said he couldn’t get enough for a conviction, so I’m not going to try either.
Just kidding. He assaulted her. End of story. Her word against his and I’m gonna go with the person who wasn’t waving their dick around like an American flag at a Tea Party rally.
The problem with Big Ben is not that he dodged such a conviction. OJ Simpson wasn’t convicted, but nobody goes to his BBQs anymore, so unconvicted assholes still pay prices. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and Steelers owner Art Rooney are discussing a suspension for Ben, so he will suffer anyways. The real problem is that Ben’s actions perpetuate negative associations with drinking, casual sex, and treatment of women on a public stage.
When celebrities — people who are held fallible every second of their lives and live under a million microscopes — do bad things despite knowing the consequences, what does that say about people who aren’t constantly examined? The insinuation is that if people who have everything to lose are going to do it, what’s stopping the average everyday asshole (of which there exist many) from perpetrating nefarious shit? Ben goes to a bar, gets trashed, takes his flirtations way too far, and assaults a girl, all while glorifying a sexualized power during the process (calling girls bitches is not exactly classy). That public stain bleeds onto every other guy who goes out.
People learn from the media — they take stories they see and apply the lesson to the general populace. We learn from what is most prevalent. Famous men take advantage of women or cheat on their wives with an armada of skanks — that’s what the news tells us. That’s how we perceive the world.
That’s how we lose faith in one another. So, Tiger, Ben, go fuck yourselves. It’s the only pussy you deserve.
The Universe Critic 